I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
