i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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