if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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