if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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