Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
