dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
