so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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