Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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