I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
