I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
