I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I touched a dick in church today
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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