Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
