I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
