My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
