I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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