he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
