how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
