Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
