I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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