I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
did i walk over a car last night?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
