Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
