All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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