just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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