I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
