Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can't talk, ducks in the car
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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