What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
