he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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