The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
