Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We named our party play list daddy issues
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Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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