someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
