dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
