do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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