Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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