That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in