Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
