Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
