This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
