Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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