I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
