I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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