you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im holly from the hills drunk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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