I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
