Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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