I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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