oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
