my phone needs a breathalizer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
