The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
