I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
