I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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