he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
