Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
