not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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