WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
