I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
