these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
