her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
