If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
