weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
