you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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