I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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