so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
