My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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