my being single is dangerous.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
